Separate and Connected: Human Boundaries and How They Work By Anné Linden

Published by Crown House, Ltd., Wales 2007

Reviewed by Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D.

Boundaries are “…that intangible distinction between our inner and outer worlds, between ourselves and others.”  These distinctions create separation and yet, are permeable, allowing people to exchange emotions and information.  In her latest offering, Separate and Connected: Human Boundaries and How They Work, author and NLP trainer, Anné Linden explores the subject of human psychological boundaries and how to manage those boundaries in a wide variety of contexts. 

Boundaries allow for both separation and connectedness.  When boundaries are too rigid, they become walls, preventing empathy and connection.  Conversely, weak boundaries result in a loss of a sense of self.  For those with imbalanced boundaries, separateness means loneliness and connectedness means suffocation.  Linden writes:

“The purpose of boundaries is to enable you to know and understand yourself…as separate and unique from others, while connecting with them; you can be a part of the world, allowing the world to touch you as you remain distinct from the world.  The purpose of walls it to protect you from the world, from being overwhelmed by the emotions of others, by situations that are dangerous…The purpose of no boundaries is to give up all distinctions and separation and lose yourself in another, to merge with nature or a situation that is gratifying, satisfying and enjoyable.” (p. 15)

Linden’s thorough treatment of this topic makes for enlightening reading.  Often, our boundaries constitute defense mechanisms against feeling abandoned or controlled by others.  It is our continuing challenge to distinguish between self and other.  Linden also advises that we make distinctions between thinking and doing, the part and the whole, identity and description, as well the past, present and future.  Making all these distinctions relies on maintaining and managing boundaries.  To do so, we continuously adjust our boundaries according to contextual variables such as place, people, activity, time, and gender.  Linden tells us:

“Contextual boundaries help you to be more flexible and have more choices; your more congruent with your environment, show yourself in the most positive light, and your resources are more available to you.” (p. 73)

The book analyzes and explains the cognitive and perceptual patterns that support boundaries:

• Ego Strength: Our likes, dislikes, and values give us a separate sense of self.

• Self in Process: Experiencing the self as an evolving work in process, we see ourselves as in all facets, as individuals with a past, present, and future.

• Empathy: By vicariously experiencing another’s emotions, we understand and connect with them.

• Noticing Difference: Our ability to make distinctions, compare and generalize allows us to know the world around us and understand what makes each person and event unique.

• Observer Self:  When we take an observer view of self, we understand more about how we relate to others and how others perceive us.

We create and maintain boundaries through three skills: 1) simultaneously recognizing sameness and difference; 2) connecting to the body and using it as a “physiological filter” of experience and 3) using peripheral vision and peripheral hearing to pay attention to the background, while focusing attention on the foreground. These skills help us to more accurately assess the environment and how we interact with it.  With such skills, we minimize distortions and “make better decisions about who we are, what we’re capable of, and what the world is.”

Ms. Linden discusses the implications of boundaries in a wide variety of human relationships such as teacher-student, therapist-client, parent-child, managers and employees, colleagues, and lovers.  She also looks at boundaries within the self.  She examines how we connect with the “parts” within ourselves and negotiate with these sub-personalities.  I was especially taken with her description of a change agent as a FAIR WITNESS – one who is caring, yet objective, without attachment to others’ outcomes, without the need to help, heal, or fix, yet fully present and holding the other in positive regard.  Linden proposes that we act from this perspective when negotiating among our parts.

Linden ends her book with an astute discussion of issues related to identity and self-esteem.  She teaches us how culture and experience shape identity, beliefs, and self/world concepts, and these, in turn, influence our boundaries.  Her Identity Ritual and Identity Meditation help readers have a “concrete experience of identity.”  Similarly, she guides her readers in an understanding of the many facets of self-esteem, with the message that the self is constantly evolving.  By learning to manage our boundaries, we come to accept our emotions and expectations, we learn to love ourselves and find a personal life mission.  

Conclusion

Anné Linden directs the New York Training Institute for NLP and is one of the most highly-respected trainers in NLP.  She has written two other excellent books: The Enneagram and NLP (Metamorphous Press, 1994) and Mindworks: Unlock the Promise Within (Andrews McMeel, 1997), both well-received by psychologically-minded readers worldwide.  I had the delight to interview her in 2004 for Anchor Point magazine and it is a distinct pleasure to review this book. 

 

What is worthwhile about this book is the way in which the author helps readers to so completely understand a process that usually operates at the non-conscious level.  She gives her readers the skills and tools to make informed decisions about when and where to increase or decrease boundaries with others and within the self.

While Ms. Linden does not cite other authors who have written on this subject, and does not draw upon research studies, she does bring to this book over 25 years of experience in working with human relationships as an accomplished trainer, advisor and consultant.  Linden’s writing has a familiar, personal feel, with the tone of a friendly, insightful mentor.  She peppers each chapter with real-life examples and teaching tales to bring home her main points.  She includes self-help exercises, useful for the individual reader, or a trainer working with a group, or a coach or therapist making an assignment for a client. 

Separate and Connected is a book for anyone who wants a better understanding about this often-ignored aspect of human relationships and provides valuable information for therapists and coaches who work with clients having boundary issues. The information applies to situations we encounter every day.  Read it and you could acquire a deeper understanding of yourself in relation to those around you, and expand your flexibility in truly being comfortable with others, while maintaining your own unique individuality.   Anné, thank you for yet another gem!

Reviewed by:

Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D. is a Licensed Professional Counselor, certified hypnotherapist, and certified NLP trainer, with a private practice in Springfield, Virginia.  Her web site is www.engagethepower.com.